Every once in a while I get to give a talk to a men’s breakfast group. We really plan it to look and feel much like the men’s fellowship breakfasts held in many communities, just no grits. This group became my mission focus for a few years and was born out of the death of a good friend, something I’ll write about later in a different context.

This past month I was speaking on my conceptualization of marriage. Most guys will tell me (in confidence) they don’t really know what a marriage is supposed to look like. They thought marriages or families should just “be.” I gave them a dashboard analogy – they were used to looking at the dashboards on their cars, trucks or tractors to know how the engine was running. Didn’t they want the same clarity in their homes? Then a few men asked how they could make their dashboard measurements about marriage move. I asked them to start thinking about affirmations.

One of the challenges I gave to these men was to be the sources of affirmation for all the people in their immediate families. This is something they could measure. I could tell this was a novel thought for these fellows and one guy came up to me afterwards and asked me to repeat and define the word, “affirmation.”* I told him that in my way of thinking an affirmation is this: a positive statement of a truth, opinion or judgment spoken about, and in the presence of, another. It had truly never occurred to this man to bolster or affirm his family members. He was not alone.

My desire to bolster affirmation within marriages or families comes from a belief that our families should be our biggest cheerleaders and supporters. Unfortunately, much of the the non-family world is all too willing to cut down those we love. If your family isn’t going to get affirmed from you where will they get affirmed? From my perspective the home should be a place of support and love, at least in large enough quantities to counter the negative garbage shown by all our other interactions. We need those one or two people in our lives that can find something truly positive to say to us on any given day.

Warning: There is a place for loving correction while you are affirming someone, but that statement requires trust and delicate patience that few of us possess. If you have a relationship strong enough to use the word “knucklehead” in a loving way go ahead and do so. Generally, I recommend we avoid the word “knucklehead” when affirming someone we love.

There are few times in the New Testament where Christ condemned (almost always it was institutions, or people who were unjust or dishonest) rather than affirming His love. Mostly he affirmed that the person was worthy of love. Should we be any different? Even when Christ faced people who were either openly messing up (for example, the story of the woman at the well) or trying to disguise personal responsibility (for example, the story of the rich young ruler) Christ was more apt to affirm what little faith they had and challenge them to go further in their belief.

So let me give you some pointers on affirmation:

  • Pray that God will provide affirmations in your life.
  • Pray that you will have the opportunity to provide affirmations in someone else’s life. Affirmations always have to begin and have life within a relationship. Relationship is everything when it comes to affirmations.
  • Make eye contact and tell the person something you truly admire about them. Remember how your kindergarten teacher would affirm you for tying your shoes by yourself? Give your affirmations that kind of intimacy and intensity, but at an adult level. Looking someone in the eye and telling them you appreciate their faith, honesty, support, character trait or skill is a powerful affirmation. Even using technology to communicate allows way for us to establish intimacy as we affirm.
  • It may feel awkward the first time you try to give an affirmation. Honestly, the person may not really believe you the first time, especially if this is new behavior for you. Just keep trying because we all need affirmations.
  • As your children mature (or spouse or friends for that matter) give affirmations for character issues and making tough decisions. Notice I didn’t say making the right decision is the only act worthy of an affirmation.
  • To affirm someone in your home you need to study them for a while to see what they are really good at or how they like to be affirmed. If you can’t see what they are good at ask for help. I recently wanted to affirm someone and I ended up asking his parents about his “love language” and special skills or traits. This 40-year-old man keeps his heart hidden so I had to find someone who knew where I could look for his best traits. I also found out why his heart is hidden. I can’t fix his heart but I can support him in every way possible.
  • Then, just keep the affirmations real and as frequent as you can give them. I think affirming spouses and family members on a daily basis is a great opportunity. When I get to teach in the university classroom I try to find honest affirmations to give. Many of my students are struggling with monumental problems but they keep on struggling and I tell them they are brave and heroic because it is true. When my favorite excavator completed a task this spring I complimented his character, not his ability to move dirt.
  • Warning: giving affirmations can be habit forming!

There will be those who read this and ask “won’t my giving an affirmation to someone who is struggling make me complicit in their struggles?” To which I might reply, “when we give an affirmation we are acknowledging the attempt and not the perfect execution.”

The next time I talk to those men who wanted to make their families better I’m going to ask what their dashboard is indicating. Then I will thank them for trying to move the needle. Wanting to be better at relationships is worth an affirmation in my book. The apostle Paul wants us to honor one another and I think affirmations are a good place to start. Where is your affirmation indicator needle pointing?

In Christ,

Phil 

  • Romans 12:9-10↩